Why I Quit My Job In The Middle Of A Global Pandemic
“Don’t make no mind about falling down/
Cause it’s when you’re in that valley/
You can see both sides more clearly”
On October 30, 2020, I bet on myself. I resigned from my role as Associate Editor and Senior Writer at xoNecole. I took a leap of faith… that landed me flat on my face.
Although adulthood is by far the most ghetto hood I’ve ever lived in, 2020 had been merciful to me. After spending the last two years as a certified workaholic, I quadrupled my income, my sh*t had effectively been gotten together, and life was good––up until I was forced to make a decision between my sanity and my salary.
I’ve never been a person who can walk away from something I love, even when taking that step forward may mean walking into my destiny. Because that’s exactly what my encounter with xoNecole was––destiny. I loved Necole before I even met her and knew that one day, I would be on a first-name basis with this woman who I saw as a legend, a hero.
I manifested my dream life.
So, what happens when you get everything you dreamed of and it’s not what you dreamed of at all? Why does it feel like an act of betrayal to dream of something new? How do you cope when you’re at the top of your game but you’re miserable?
I can’t give you the answers to those questions, but I can tell you that you cannot be passive when it comes to your purpose. The demon of comfortability will have you f*cked up and it’s only through faith that we can live up to our true potential.
What is not growing is dead and it took me 27 years to decide that if a thing is no longer watering me, I don’t want it, and since writing my resignation letter and undergoing my first healthy breakup––ever, in life––fear has been at my neck. This wasn’t like graduating from college or leaving my job as panty folder Victoria’s Secret or any of the other jobs I’ve worked since I was 14.
My career is my life, and in giving up my position, I felt like I lost my identity.
Who, exactly, am I if not Associate Editor? What would people then need from me, if not a feature or an opportunity to get one step closer to my boss? Not only did I surrender what I felt like was authority, I forfeited relationships. The heartbreak felt insurmountable and terribly necessary. It didn’t take long for feelings of loneliness and self-doubt to infiltrate my mind and convince me that I never really deserved a seat at the table in the first place.
I felt selfish for not tolerating less than I deserve and staying, especially in a time when people are as desperate for work as they are right now. I was suffocated by imposter syndrome and negative self-talk wrapped its arms so tightly around me that I could no longer breathe.
All I could do was create.
I made it to network television before my 21st birthday. I helped dozens of clients double their income through my brand consulting services. I’ve broken bread with legends. I’ve touched a Grammy. But none of that means a damn thing after you take a leap of faith and find yourself alone in a valley.
All my accomplishments and accolades were unimportant in the dark. I just felt pain. So I picked up my pen. And just as easily as I had been lost, God led me right back to my purpose.
Mental illness is one hell of a disease, ladies and gentlemen, so I’m not going to sit here and lie about writing my way out of a major depressive episode. I’m just grateful that even in times of extreme darkness, God will allow me to light on someone else.
This is my light. Accept it. Love it. Use it to light up the blunt. Whatever you choose to do with it, it’s yours.
As someone who has not fully healed, I cannot give you the keys to success. I cannot assure you that it will all be okay in the end, because damn it, it’s not the end yet… But if no one has told you today, you deserve more than what they’re paying you. Purpose can be painful. And the world would be a much better place if you stopped sleeping on yourself and took the leap of faith that just might land you on your face.
Your gift will always make room for you, and I’m living proof of this fact.
If you or someone you love is going through a transition and feel depressed AF this time of year, here are 4 books that helped me level up my mindset.
